WHAT I MAKE THINGS MEAN
The problem was when I would get what I needed from someone, then I would need more of it. If that person went away, or didn’t treat me the way I thought they should, I would fall apart. It was not pretty for an adult to fall apart when they don't get the attention they need from someone. I was always examining others people's actions or words because what they thought or felt of me was very important. If they didn't approve of me then I was not okay with me and if they did approve it would make me so happy, for a while that is!
You see, I had very low self-worth, and I needed someone or something to help me to feel good about myself, something to fill me up. I had a big empty hole inside. I kept trying to get that hole filled up with many things outside of myself. I was frantic to do something special for God so He would approve of me or to do for others so they would approve of me. Then I believed I would be okay. Of course, that was a lie I was believing. So there came a time for me when I hit the wall and I couldn’t do it any longer.
God finally had me in a place where He could do some changes in me. When I came to the end of myself, and my frantic need to be something, I had to let go and let Him do the work in me.
I came to the realization that no matter what someone else said or did to me it didn't have anything to do with who or what I was. I did not have to be approved of by someone else to be okay. My worth was not dependent in any way on someone else at all.
The process of letting go of the belief that I needed the approval of someone else to be okay was a slow one to let go of, but the more I got it, the more the reality of who lived inside of me became real.
The more in touch I became with His presence inside of me, the more I didn’t need anything else at all. My reality became that I didn’t need you or anyone else to tell me who I am, besides the Lord. I was whole on the inside instead of empty! I didn’t need anything from anyone to feel good about myself. I no longer lived in need!
When I don't need approval or attention to be okay, then I am free to love with His love through me. I loved out of choice and not out of need!
When someone says something nice to me, I can appreciate it without making it mean something good or bad. If someone says something mean to me or about me, I don’t make it mean anything either. Neither good or bad comments from others make me who or what I am. An action or inaction of someone else doesn’t change who I am or my reality. I can accept something from someone without it making me good or bad. It is just their opinion! Someone's opinion does not change me!
In the process of change, if I found myself making someone's behavior mean something either good or bad, I just had to stop and tell myself that I don't know what they are thinking or feeling, so, I will just let that go. I can't know what it means. It doesn’t make me who or what I am. It doesn't change my identity. I am the daughter of the King and no matter what, me and the Lord can handle it together one second at a time. Whether someone else likes me or not does not change who I am!
Worth comes from deep inside. God is deep inside and we are deep inside with Him. Acknowledging to ourselves that we don’t need his or her's attention to be okay is changing our self-talk! We don’t need their approval to be okay. It is much better to say that to ourselves than the things we usually say to ourselves! We can’t get our identity from someone else. We get it from knowing who we belong to on the inside. We get it from knowing how accepted we are and how loved! This is not a knowing in our heads but a real feeling in our hearts.
The way we get it to our hearts is first to stop the negative things we say to ourselves in our heads. Then we need to replace it with the positive. Then we need to really ponder on the reality of how much He loves and accepts us and how much we are okay right now no matter what. Then let ourselves really feel it in our gut, in the inner secret place where He dwells with us. We need to really let ourselves be open to feel Him deep inside and let His acceptance and love for us become really real.
We need to remember we can only deal with one thought or lie at a time. One at a time is the key to change. Don't look at the big amount of problems that are needed to overcome but just know that we can do this one at a time. Negative thoughts will come but now we don't have to pay attention to them. Instead, we can turn our attention to Him inside of us. He gives us our worth!
There is no better place than to abide in the moment with the Lord! He is the lover of my soul and He is the lover that makes me whole!
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