SCRUPULOSITY
I am sharing this with others so if anyone has struggled like I me I can help. Maybe you won't have to go through all I did to be helped.
Some people are pretty hard-headed, thick-skinned and not affected very easily by things. Others are so super sensitive to people, places and things and they are affected by many things. Some people need to be hit over the head before they see something about themselves that needs to change, but there are others who see all of their faults. Faults that aren't even real and they are always looking for even more. Some people's minds dissect everything and find themselves coming up short and then beat themselves up mercilessly for it.
Some people are pretty hard-headed, thick-skinned and not affected very easily by things. Others are so super sensitive to people, places and things and they are affected by many things. Some people need to be hit over the head before they see something about themselves that needs to change, but there are others who see all of their faults. Faults that aren't even real and they are always looking for even more. Some people's minds dissect everything and find themselves coming up short and then beat themselves up mercilessly for it.
I suffered a lot of my life with thinking I was doing something wrong. This is a lot bigger than someone who is just insecure. I certainly was insecure, but it is more like no matter what I did I could not be clean enough. Some people can't be clean enough in the physical, and they keep washing way past what is necessary. Others though, can't get clean enough in their minds. No matter what they do or think they are never good or clean enough. My mind works like this.
The hardest struggle I have had with this in is my relationship with God, religion and/or the bible. I might be the only person on the planet who suffers with what I am going to explain but I have a feeling that I am not alone in this.
I must say that I am doing so much better now than I used to, but sometimes I still get attacked in my mind with being scrupulous. Some people hear a sermon, or read something in the bible and it needs to be brought home to them many times before they get it or realize they need to change. They are always thinking about someone else who needs to hear this sermon!
People who suffer with being scrupulous do not have that problem. Scrupulous people's minds tell them that all the negative things they see and hear are all about them. No matter what they do they will not be clean enough to be accepted by God. They see themselves as at fault even when they have done nothing wrong and no matter what they can't possibly know for sure that they are really okay with God. Someone who struggles with negative obsession thinks to themselves, maybe I did something wrong! Maybe I did this or that! What if I really am at fault. Maybe I better go back and check and see if I did something wrong! What if I really did sin. What if what I just read in the bible or that sermon I just heard was really about me and I did that wrong. I know to some of you this might sound crazy or impossible, but to those who struggle with a scrupulous mind it is very real and very tormenting.
I must say that I am doing so much better now than I used to, but sometimes I still get attacked in my mind with being scrupulous. Some people hear a sermon, or read something in the bible and it needs to be brought home to them many times before they get it or realize they need to change. They are always thinking about someone else who needs to hear this sermon!
People who suffer with being scrupulous do not have that problem. Scrupulous people's minds tell them that all the negative things they see and hear are all about them. No matter what they do they will not be clean enough to be accepted by God. They see themselves as at fault even when they have done nothing wrong and no matter what they can't possibly know for sure that they are really okay with God. Someone who struggles with negative obsession thinks to themselves, maybe I did something wrong! Maybe I did this or that! What if I really am at fault. Maybe I better go back and check and see if I did something wrong! What if I really did sin. What if what I just read in the bible or that sermon I just heard was really about me and I did that wrong. I know to some of you this might sound crazy or impossible, but to those who struggle with a scrupulous mind it is very real and very tormenting.
I am sharing this information about myself so that maybe it will help others who might be suffering with "Scrupulosity" (not being able to be clean enough), and maybe there are people who don't even know there is something called "scrupulosity" like I didn't. And that not being able to be clean enough is part of an illness called Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I had no idea. I just suffered in silence.
I didn't realize that being so introspective and examining my every thought could make me so sick as it did. I really didn't realize that God loved me way too much to want me to keep living like this. I went through many years of my Christian life believing that I was doing a good thing by observing my every thought and actions the way I did. It says to do that in the bible, so I believed.
When I realized it was not working for me to do this, I felt so guilty and believed something was very wrong with me. Then I read some books on this subject and found out that there were some pretty famous Christians that suffered like I did. I realized that what I was doing to myself was not a good thing and I had to stop allowing that kind of thinking to take over my mind.
I didn't realize that being so introspective and examining my every thought could make me so sick as it did. I really didn't realize that God loved me way too much to want me to keep living like this. I went through many years of my Christian life believing that I was doing a good thing by observing my every thought and actions the way I did. It says to do that in the bible, so I believed.
When I realized it was not working for me to do this, I felt so guilty and believed something was very wrong with me. Then I read some books on this subject and found out that there were some pretty famous Christians that suffered like I did. I realized that what I was doing to myself was not a good thing and I had to stop allowing that kind of thinking to take over my mind.
I went through a long period where I didn't even read the bible because all I could see was the negative or what I wasn't doing right. I was way too sensitive to anything in the bible that wasn't totally a positive promise. If there was any warning or something to heed, it was way too big for me and I would get terrified that I must be making that mistake. It did not matter if it was regarding something that I had never done wrong in my entire life, I would be afraid that I was doing it anyway. I was living in negative obsession. It was not rational at all. I realized that it is impossible to rationalize with something not rational. Trying to find reasons to prove something in my mind was just keeping me locked in my brain. I decided that I was not going to listen to any of it any more and if God needed to get my attention about something then He was very capable to do that, and I gave Him full permission to do so. I was not going to be trying to figure it out in my mind anymore. I was not going to give space anymore to this kind of thinking in my head.
Through not listening to the "What if" voices in my head anymore, I became really aware of the real. What is real reality is that the Spirit of God lives inside of me. Since I got out of my head and trying to make myself have a perfect mind, I learned to live inside and feel the presence of God. I quit listening to my head and instead learned to live inside with Him. I had no idea when I started doing this that I was going to find the most wonderful thing of all, the secret kept hidden through all generations but now revealed in us, "Christ in me" the hope of glory. In my survival mode, I found the reality of Him living inside of me and that reality became more real to me than the "What ifs" that invaded my life previously.
Through not listening to the "What if" voices in my head anymore, I became really aware of the real. What is real reality is that the Spirit of God lives inside of me. Since I got out of my head and trying to make myself have a perfect mind, I learned to live inside and feel the presence of God. I quit listening to my head and instead learned to live inside with Him. I had no idea when I started doing this that I was going to find the most wonderful thing of all, the secret kept hidden through all generations but now revealed in us, "Christ in me" the hope of glory. In my survival mode, I found the reality of Him living inside of me and that reality became more real to me than the "What ifs" that invaded my life previously.
If what you have read about me sounds vaguely familiar to you, please realize that God wants you to be free and if you let go He will make you perfect. You are not the one that is going to make you perfect. I decided long ago that God does not want me to get mentally ill trying to be clean enough for Him.
Let go of the fight and give it to Him. It is an impossible task for us anyway. It is all up to Him. We just need to let go and give it to Him. We can't make ourselves perfect by using our minds. God will do the work in us that needs to be done in us. All we need to do is surrender to Him.
We can do it all with Him one second at a time. We can say "No more' to the "What If" voices in our minds. We just need to be willing and say "yes" to Him and "no" to the what ifs.
No more striving in the mind to be perfect or acceptable! Let go and trust God to make you what you need to be. He is fully capable!
Let go of the fight and give it to Him. It is an impossible task for us anyway. It is all up to Him. We just need to let go and give it to Him. We can't make ourselves perfect by using our minds. God will do the work in us that needs to be done in us. All we need to do is surrender to Him.
We can do it all with Him one second at a time. We can say "No more' to the "What If" voices in our minds. We just need to be willing and say "yes" to Him and "no" to the what ifs.
No more striving in the mind to be perfect or acceptable! Let go and trust God to make you what you need to be. He is fully capable!
#scrupulosity #mind #obbsession #inside
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