SHAME SPIRALS

I don’t know about you, but I still have shame buttons. When someone pushes one of my shame buttons it turns really ugly. My shame buttons usually get pushed by someone close to me, but it can happen from a total stranger as well.

I have areas in my past that were very painful. I know I am not unique, we all have them. Shame was not something I knew about for a lot of my life, but I blindly reacted to it in very destructive ways.

I had a lot of rejection in my childhood and teenage years. It even carried over into adulthood because I expected rejection. Shame can come from something as simple as a look, or it can be as big as someone saying or doing something really demeaning to you. I had areas that I was very insecure about. A lot of my insecurities had to do with my looks. I was made fun of and rejected by many people because of my looks. I had a weight problem and skin problems. I was teased by family, friends and strangers. I was also not good in school. I struggled in every area except for art and writing. When I spoke I would get teased, so I was afraid to speak up both at school and at home. I didn’t have much going for me. I was extremely insecure. Because of these things and the negativity that I grew up with, I had shame for who I was. I looked at everyone else as better than me. When I was made fun of, I would just disappear or disassociate from reality. I was always looking for someone to tell me I was okay. I wanted a boyfriend like other girls had, but boys ran away from me instead and said horrible things to me. My father made fun of my weight. That hurt me badly. I thought I was worthless and I lived in my head in self-pity. I also lived in the fantasy of a life I wanted to have.

This kind of rejection causes us to have shame buttons. Memories of pain hidden deep inside! Past pain that comes up and rears its ugly head. It is like someone pushes a big button on my head and shame screams out. I react because of fear of rejection. Shamed people lash out in defensiveness! 

I know now that I can deal with it by acknowledging it, feeling it and sharing my pain with the Lord inside of me. Sometimes though, if I let my negative thoughts about myself get the best of me, I spiral downward in shame. Shameful rejected thoughts can start racing in my head and if I allow or entertain the racing thoughts I will plummet down quickly into a full-blown shame spiral. If I keep going downward I can end up with a panic attack. I have to get a hold of my racing, negative thinking or I will end up in deep do-do!

When I have allowed negative obsessive stuff to race in my head I cannot trust a single, solitary thought going on up there! Not even one! If I reason at all with that negative, shame I will spiral downward and it is not good. I just cannot trust anything going on up there. I have to say, “NO!” I will not go there! Then I have to focus on the Lord deep inside of me, and hide there with Him in the quiet until the storm passes. I can’t try to figure out anything, or reason with all the negative in my head. I just stay still with the Lord deep inside, feel Him there, and keep my attention turned to Him deep inside of me.

When I see others struggling with shame, either because of their own thinking or someone else’s careless words or behavior, I can usually sense it. I am sensitive to it and I can recognize the downward spiral. When people react in a large way to what seems to be a small issue, they are usually dealing with the shame spiral caused by a childhood issue. Shame spirals usually come from something that happened in childhood. There is emotional healing that needs to take place, but until that happens people in a shame spiral might react with words they wish they could take back later on. I know this because of my experience!

When I learned to let myself feel, quit beating myself up, and when I quit arguing with my own negative obsessions and just stayed hidden inside with the Lord in the stillness inside of myself with Him, I started to heal from a lot of old pain. When I learned to let myself be okay with me just the way I am and changed my self-talk to allow myself to be okay, I healed more and more. I still have painful areas that cause shame and fear to rise up, but they have so much less hold on me because I usually don’t give them room in my head anymore.

I have to be the one to take care of my thinking about myself. No one else can do it for me! It wasn’t until I learned to be inside with the Lord and be still with Him there, that I could get a handle on the shame thought life! It didn’t matter how many external voices that would tell me I was okay, I couldn’t believe it or receive it until I could get inside with Him and believe it from the inside out. It is an inside job.

To abide inside with Him I also had to feel, but I had been terrified to feel. I had to let go of my fear of feeling. I didn’t realize how afraid I was at the time, but that fear caused me all kinds of problems. I learned that feelings will not kill me, but running from them will. I hide inside with Him and I don’t allow condemning voices in my head under any circumstances. I don’t allow the voice of rejection or fear of failure in my head. I give no place or space for them, and I don’t need anyone else’s approval to be okay, no matter who they are. The Lord and I are okay right this minute, and that is all that I need. Then I can love others! Before that, I had nothing in me to give! I don't do all of this perfectly but now at least I know this is what I need to do! I have tools for freedom! 

  #shame #mind #feel #feelings #head #depression #hopelessness #jesusinsideofme